SELF-HELPING AGONY AUNTING MESSAGE OF HOPE Firstly I have to apologise for the more serious nature of this piece. It's more like an agony aunt column or an excerpt from a self-help book. I wouldn't want to read it myself (and it was no fun to write). But the message of it is important and it cannot be ignored! I can sit back now and try to look back on my 'single parent years' with detachment and objectivity. I also think of the quite-a-few single parents I know or have known. Perhaps the one issue that stands out as being a scar or sore that spoils the lives of parents and kids is that of the acrimonious split, the custody and access battles and a fall out that can become permanent. So many negative emotions and feelings are unleashed – anger, uncertainty, bitterness, confusion, lies, hatred, paranoia. I know what it's like because I've gone through it. Like being in a state of war you become the one with truth and justice on your side, fighting a good fight. The ends justify the means. The other parent becomes dehumanised. It's about coming out on top, to the victor the spoils. I remember thinking that to have custody of my young son was absolutely everything. At the time I believed all I did to achieve this was right – but looking back I know I acted with ruthlessness. The fall out is horrendous with friends and family badly affected, usually having to choose sides, often becoming diplomats or shock troops. I look at other single parents I know and their battles are much worse. It's horrible. It's a miracle if kids don't suffer real psychological damage. So having experienced all this and witnessed it around me a kind of quasi-religious revelation has slowly dawned. It is that in the vast majority of parent conflicts the only option is to let in tolerance, forgiveness, understanding, peace and respect. These emotions and thoughts have to supplant all those negative ones. If it's not possible to achieve this straight away then it should be the goal over time. Communication, however difficult or limited, is essential. So is turning the other cheek. This is about what's best for your own psychological well-being as well as your child's. It's also a moral point too. Of course there's real stuff that challenges relationships from the less serious like being distracted when you're watching the football to the more serious like domestic violence. I don't want to write about domestic violence as I'd be out of my depth. It's best and consistent to say all violence is wrong including smacking your kids. It must be hard or impossible to forgive violence. But to harbour hatred or bitterness makes no difference to those being hated – the one harmed is the one doing the hating. The kids will likely suffer too, becoming pawns or caught up in emotional blackmail. There's no good that comes out of your life becoming a bad soap opera. The past cannot be undone, it's happened - you can only understand and deal with it and then move on. One of the great tragedies of custody conflicts is that there is perceived to be a winner and a loser. The winner is in a powerful position to make life hard for the loser, who will usually hold deep resentment. Plenty of parents do co-operate and relations improve over time. But if it's about the children then there's a massive responsibility to do what's right. Parents have so much to think about and deal with anyway that the affects on the kids can be overlooked. Sometimes it's convenient to create an 'enemy' to avoid tackling other issues. To do what's right is not easy – that's where organisations like SPAN do such good work! So my message of peace and understanding is a genuine one, not some hippy crap. My relationship now with my son's mum is great – it's very open, honest and co-operative. It's good to be able to pass on news and get another perspective when it comes to our son. Between us we can give him plenty of support and help him at a vital time in his life.

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MY SON MOVES OUT It has come to pass. My son has moved out. How does it feel? Very, very mixed. It's early days, but 4 weeks in, and having spent an afternoon with him visiting here, I can start to reflect on things. It was emotional to see him. I'd seen him for an hour or so after work a couple of weeks ago. I had a quick, almost furtive tour of his new workplace and had a few words with one of his employers (every time anyone speaks to me about my son I realise how popular he is). Then we went for a civilised coffee. We had lots to talk about, it almost poured out of us. It all felt right. Then the afternoon visit. It was nearly postponed due to lack of cash for bus fare. An hour later than expected came a ring at the door. The first thing is how good it feels to see him, it's him! Straight away we had to adjust to the harsh reality that as Celtic fans the match we'd come together to watch was going to turn out wrong. After some cursing and lamentations we switched the TV off. The next few hours were spent in an easy manner. One of my dads was staying and he'd taken the initiative that morning (when my back was turned) to wade into my son's room and create order from chaos. I was a bit worried how my son would react but he seemed fine about it. The visit ended (after plenty of food) with a kickabout in the sunshine outside, just like the old days. I felt moved by the afternoon. By my son moving away, taking a few steps to some sort of independence, his life, and mine, has undergone major change. All the old routines, territorial and psychological conflicts, assumptions and expectations are basically no more. (What is there to argue over?). What is left is the essence of our relationship, which I realise, is pretty good. Also there's lots of good will, curiosity and positivity about the new situation. And there's the truth that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It helps that my son is in a good situation. He's sharing a nice flat with 2 cousins he gets on well with. It's relatively cheap. He's started what could be an ideal job learning to renovate pianos. He seems to have taken to it, rising to the challenge. He's in a good position to pursue his dream of being in a rock band – that's all going well. He needs to improve his budgeting skills and to make sure he does his share of housework. But so far, and long may it continue, there's nothing for me to worry about. Even if my aunt reminded me the other day that we only know about 10% of what our kids are doing or thinking. For me I'm now the king of my castle. Not that it's that different, but there's a feeling of greater freedom (or is it control?). Like cooking dinner for ten o'clock at night because I want to. Most things carry on the same. Work is the main structure in your life. You get out a couple of nights a week. The rest of the time you happily relax with a book, listen to some music, watch a film or a football match on the telly. I wonder about the opportunities for new experiences, new changes, new relationships. I feel some dislocation. One downer is I'm still adjusting to being worse off after the end of child benefit and child tax credits. Trips away, nights out and new stuff for the flat have to be rationed. The future is still to be written. I'm hopeful that my son moving out is a positive and significant step for him. This will always be a bolt-hole. Finally in what may become a regular feature I want to pay tribute to those advancing the single parenting cause or progressing wider social justice. Many of us are regular public transport users – when I think back to pushchairs, shopping and buses I wonder how I coped. So I salute the new breed of women bus drivers. They can certainly drive, are considerate and helpful, will smile and joke, and look pretty good in a uniform!